Thursday, August 25, 2011

I'm in New York

I arrived in NY around 3:40 this afternoon. I won't see Max for a few days still. There's a good reason behind it, I just hate it. And I feel like I'm cheating him being in the same state and not going to see him.
The thing is-I'll be busy tomorrow and the day after (Friday and Saturday). And Shaun and I talked about it and we agreed on what is best for MAX...because that's what parenting is about-what's best for the child. And even though it's killing me inside, I agree that it's best for him. If you're a parent, and even if you're not, hopefully you'll understand where Shaun and I are coming from, and agree with us.
I arrived in buffalo around quarter to 4. By the time I got back to my area, it'd be around 5:30, 6:00 by the time I got to Shaun's. Bedtime is around 9, that's 3 hours MAXIMUM that I'd be able to see him. So then I would leave, and tomorrow is a wedding, and Saturday is a wedding so I won't be able to see him either of those days. So we agreed if I saw him today, it would be almost like teasing him. Giving him something he's wanted for so long (Mommy), only to take her away again (for 2 more days). He's only 3 and a half. And while, yes, I think he's very smart, I don't think he's patient enough, nor would he understand that I'll be back in a couple days. All he would see was that Mommy left for a long time, Mommy came back for a very very short time, then Mommy left again. So he would be heartbroken. And then he would be angry and anxious and sad. Shaun doesn't want to have to deal with that, I don't want to do that to my son, and I don't want Max to feel that way. So...he doesn't know Mommy's back yet. And there is NOTHING I want more than to go get him.
I've chosen not to bring him to either wedding, also for a good reason. If I brought him, I would be consumed with Max. I would be kissing him and hugging him and holding him. We would be acting silly, and paying absolutely no attention to the ceremony. And I feel that would be extremely disrespectful to the couple, even with my distance from my son. So, he's staying away for that.

Anyway, Tim and I got up at 4:30 this morning to get ready, packed into the car, and get me to the airport. I checked in and said goodbye to him. I told him NOT to stand there and watch me til he couldn't see me anymore. I wanted him to be able to go home and go back to sleep before getting up for work, also I know that I wouldn't be able to handle it, seeing him standing there, as I walked away, him getting smaller. And I almost think that was the better decision...however I hurt so terribly when I turned around and saw him walking away, and then he was the one who was gone. As soon as he got home, we were texting for a bit, then I let him go back to sleep, and I waited to board. Skip ahead to my arrival in Atlanta.
I turned me phone on when we landed. I saw that my mom had texted me saying "Safe Travels!" so I texted her back telling her that I had just landed in Atlanta. She mentioned a haircut, then went straight to asking me and Max over for breakfast, lunch, or dinner on Sunday. I told her I really wasn't sure I would be able to make it, because it would be my first day with Max, and I really wanted it to be just us. She immediately got upset with me, accusing me of choosing my dad over her. (I'm staying at my dad's house-I lived her the past year, he has a room for Max, and a room for me, she lives in a one bedroom apartment.) I told her that I wouldn't be spending the day with Dad and my stepmom Donna, that if I wanted to be left alone, they would easily leave me alone to be with Max. I told her that if I were to go to her house, he would be consumed with Grandma, I haven't seen my son in two and a half months, that I wanted to spend time with just him. I didn't want to fight over him with her. (She didn't text me back for 6 hours when she then acted just fine, and again said that she hoped she'd see me on Sunday.) My mom and I are close, but sometimes, I just cannot get along with her. She fights me over small things, she pushes me when I want things to be left alone, if I'm upset with her, she continues to make it worse. I love my mother, I really do. Sometimes I just wish she would just STOP...and then try again later or something. Or LISTEN to what I'm trying to tell her. If she were in a similar situation, she would also want her OWN TIME with her child, and not want to share. That's all I want. My own time. With my own child. Anyway, so I was sitting on a cold chair, in a big airport, by myself, with my mother complaining to me about wanting to see Max and I, on my very first day back with my son. I did my best to push it out of my mind, after complaining a little bit to my stepmom (who, may I add, is morelike a best friend to me, than a stepmom), and bought a magazine, then boarded the next flight.

I landed in Buffalo, walked through the airport at lightning speed, and approached the big glass wall that divides picker-uppers, from the picker-uppees. I spotted my dad just beyond the doors, arms crossed, glasses in one hand, searching...He saw me and did his, "Hi Piglet!!!!" wave, and I of course waved back and picked up the pace. When I crossed through the doors, he hurried over and threw his arms around me. I almost cried. I've always been a Daddy's Girl, and I missed my daddy. We laughed and talked and joked, and I was so glad to be home. We got pizza for dinner, then went out for ice cream. Donna and I watched some TV and did a LOT of talking, we all shared pictures we had on our computers of Max (I showed them the pictures Shaun sent me via DropBox from when they went to Darien Lake), Tim called me (and later texted me) and now I'm sitting in my room.

It's almost 1am, and I'm alone. I should be used to this right? We were apart for so much of our relationship. We've been together almost a year now, and yet we've only been TOGETHER for like...4 months. And it's only for two weeks that we'll be apart. But I always got used to him after even a week. I've been with him for so long (which isn't even long!) that now, I can't imagine NOT being with him. I'm afraid of even trying to sleep, I know it will be too quiet, too lonely...I'm missing my husband,  AND my son. Like...what do I even do now.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Warning. TMI

So. For those of you whom I know and am friends with-YOU WILL NOT SAY A WORD TO ANYONE.
But I just pulled my Mirena out. Tim and I have been talking about it a lot and we're getting impatient so I went into the bathroom, then reached in, grabbed the strings, and pulled it out. I didn't feel it coming out at all, the only way I knew it was out was because I was holding it. Literally didn't feel a thing. Tim's gonna shit a brick when he wakes up tomorrow and sees my IUD sitting on the bathroom counter (on a Kleenex). He's been joking about doing it himself for weeks but tonight he said he was too scared. And told me to do it. Or wait til we could get a doctor appt. Well. I got impatient and once something gets into my mind, I do it.
Don't get all excited yet, it could take MONTHS and more MONTHS before we get pregnant. And also we want to tell people when we're ready that we're trying. And I do still need to get a doctor and get all that set up. So don't say a word. BUT I'M SO EXCITED. But don't say anything. Except to me. CUZ I'M EXCITED. And incredibly stupid for taking it out myself. But still excited.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Got a new bunny!

We went out yesterday and got a new bunny. He's very different from Marcie. Obviously it's a boy, he's a different breed and older so he's a LOT bigger than she was, he's black and white...I haven't had him out much and so far he's not a big explorer, but when we got him they said they thought he might have a UTI which can be treated with a visit to the vet, but also we could try some cranberry juice diluted in his water. So we're gonna try that. But I was also thinking he might not be super exploratory because of the UTI. So. That might be it.

He wasn't a big fan of being moved out of his little cage at the store and he gave me a nice scratch across my entire right boob. And I know you don't really wanna hear this, but my boobs are big. So it's a long scratch. Looks a little bit like someone thought my boobs were fake and cut across the top of a boob to try to just grab out an implant. Because I know you're concerned, and very curious about my cleavage.

Anyway, new bunny's name is Pierre. He's a big boy and all of his stuff is pink from Marcie. So I didn't want it to be a very manly name. I asked lots of people for name ideas for a not-manly bunny and I got lots of great ideas. A friend was the one who came up with Pierre. She told me to actually look at french boy names, and then gave Pierre as an example. I'm going with it. =]

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I am a country girl.

I didn't grow up in the middle of NOWHERE, but it was a small town. Not as small as surrounding areas, but it wasn't big by far. I listen to country music and my dream is to have a huge plot of land and an old farmhouse smack in the middle of it. Tim wants a 'burro' and some goats and I want dogs and a clothesline and we want our kids to have dirt bikes and four wheelers and a barn to store them all in. When I hear songs about "old country roots" and whatever, I wish that I grew up in areas like that. I want my daughter to grow up with long blonde hair and cowboy boots, white cotton dresses, and know the inside of an old Chevy's engine. I hate the city. I don't even live in a CITY city, it's just like an overgrown town. But I hated having to go into the actual city, let alone a city the whole state is known for.

Just White.

I don't have red hair or freckles, I'm not a vampire or dead or anything. But my skin...GLOWS in the dark. My skin is so white. How have satellites not picked me up because I reflect so much light I'M SO WHITE?

Last weekend we went out shooting. Well. The guys went shooting, I went 'watching' and 'sitting' and 'BURNING.' I told Tim before that I don't tan, I'm either pasty pathetic white, or I'm lobster red. There is no pretty pink, there's no golden tan. I have only two extremes. And right now, I have both. I burnt my thighs so bad it still hurts to touch them, 4 days later. I've used half a bottle of lotion on my burns. And some of the red is fading away and my skin is returning to white. My arms lost the red and are back to white. My feet are splotchy now because some of that burn is returning to white. Coolest chick ever? Me.
I'm all bone. I'm two-toned. Red as a newborn, white as a ghost.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Registered with Tricare Online

So I'm registered online now with Tricare. But I don't know how to set up a specific doctor's office. There's a page where I can go through available offices nearby, but I don't know what in the world I'm even looking at. So I need Tim to come home and do that part. Because he probably knows what he's doing better than I do. But I think when we went and signed up they said that I would be able to make appointments right here online. Which is good. Because I HATE talking on the phone. So once we get this things set up fully, I can make an appointment with a family care physician person, then they can refer me to an OB/GYN and I can get my IUD out. And then we can start working on building our family. Yes, I am terrified to introduce my son to the IDEA of a younger sibling, and I will be terrified forever. When he's older, I will hate that he has to go see his dad while the rest of my children stay with me. I hate that he will be confused and feel outcasted because he has a different father than his brothers and sisters. But I know that he will lose those siblings with his whole heart. He's an amazing little boy, he's going to be an amazing young man, and an amazing man. He's going to love those kids. And he's going to be excited about them someday.

Grey's Anatomy

I LOVE the show. I haven't kept up with it on TV at all, but a few years ago they showed 3 episodes back to back every weekday and I would watch those. They usually went in order (there were a few mix-ups but normally it was fine). At one point it switched back to the beginning and I stopped watching because I didn't want to just start over. Anyway. I stopped watching. Then I moved down here to Texas and my darling husband has Hulu. So I can watch a TV series start to finish. So, I chose Grey's Anatomy.
Anyway, I'm now on Season 6. And I'm starting to hate it. Some of it is just getting boring, lame, irritating. Some of these new actresses are horrible, I just don't like their characters. It's weird. I don't know. I'm irritated with it.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Really? Romanian?

I was just trying to find an interesting blog to read through and possibly decide to follow it. I need to find things that I can use to spice up my own blog. I need ideas and hints and whatever.
Oh, anyway, I was going through and hit like 4 blogs in a row that were Romanian. And a little thing popped at the top of my screen asking if I wanted the blog translated. Nope, I just wanna get to the next one. One that preferably is in English. Because that's the only language I speak fluently.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Hate myself today.

Tonight is the kind of night I just wanna cry. 
I made a dinner that I thought Tim would be really excited about. I used his special seasoning that he likes (and I'm super picky so I don't usually use anything except salt pepper and garlic powder) and he didn't seem like he liked it. Granted, he ate a ton. He didn't finish his chicken though, and got seconds of the rice. 
I skyped with my son after dinner. He's with his dad til September. The picture is kind of fuzzy and I couldn't really understand a whole lot because he's still young (he's only 3 and a half), but I could tell he was talking about trains and he was so animated and excited to talk to me (we talk almost every day). It made me feel great, until the end when I had to say goodbye. I hate saying bye to him. We always say that we love each other, miss each other, then we do "Biiiig Kisss!" and put both hands to our both, kiss hard, and then spread our hands our so its like letting the kiss fly away. And then I have to say goodbye. Which usually ends with a second 'I love you,' and another bye before hanging up. 
We had no ice cream so I made cookies. I used to make PERFECT chocolate chip cookies. The past 2 times I've made cookies, they've turned out flat and gooey. They're horrible. They taste fine, but they look like a toddler threw some puke into the oven and baked it for ten minutes. (Some of them turned out OK, I threw about half of them in the trash)
It all made me feel like crap. Climbing into bed...I couldn't stand myself. What kind of a mother am I to leave my three year old with his dad. How can I be thinking about having another baby with Tim when I can't even give my own son my undivided attention? I can't be there with him. I have his teddy bear that I made him at Build-A-Bear a couple years ago, with his little undershirt on him that I keep by my bed (and after Tim goes to work Teddy is my cuddle companion) and his picture next to the bed. How can I be a good mom from here?
Needless to say, I'm up now. Crying, obviously. Hating myself.

Something is deathly wrong with my baking skills.

I used to make THE PERFECT chocolate chip cookie.
Now they flatten. Every time. Well, okay, I've only tried twice. But I made perfect cookies in high school and when I lived with Shaun. Then I took a year off and now I can't make a nice round light brown cookie. It's flat. I've tried making them with all butter, and I've tried making them half butter half shortening. I don't know what to do. It's really taking a toll on my ego. Is it because of the altitude in Texas? Is it even that different from New York? Do I need to add a little extra flour? I'm so frustrated! My cookies were once perfect, beautiful cookies. Now they're pancakes. And horrible. I am NOT HAPPY.

Texas is a VERY friendly state

I'm not an ugly girl. I'm not hideous. I'm not hugely fat, I don't have scars covering my face. But I'm not an overly beautiful person. Yet when I go outside to walk the dog, I get beeped at, whistled at...And I thought that living in El Paso and being so white (I don't tan well, I'm either ghostly white, or burnt) that I would be hit on by Mexicans. As racist as that sounds (but mostly by experience from back in NY). Yet as far as I can tell, the cars that go by with the individuals who are apparently looking at me, are white. I never got hit on back in NY by white guys. Well. Except a few of the guys in high school. That was YEARS ago. Why are white guys interested in me now? I'm married.
Hahahahaha which reminds me of I spent the evening at my in-laws. We were eating dinner and Tim's uncle was next to me and he moved his leg and his foot accidentally hit mine. I jokingly said, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING I AM A MARRIED WOMAN!!" And everyone laughed. It was funny.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Baby Clothes.

Tim and I have been married since December. He's very family oriented and sometimes I think he's as upset as I am that Max isn't with us full time. He cannot wait to be a dad, and he's so excited for Max to come down and be with us. He's excited to do family things. He's also excited for me to have a baby. I currently have the Mirena, and IUD form of birth control. He's always joking about removing it himself so that we can get pregnant. Last week we went to Tricare (military health insurance) and moved me over from the "Standard" care plan over to the "Prime" care plan. However, we were told that this change in coverage doesn't become active until August 1st. Anyway, we went over to register me with the doctor's office and whatnot and they said, "OK, you're all set to start making your appointments!" ...Does that mean I'm SET SET and can actually make my appointments? Or do I still need to wait until August? Tim wants me to call and try to make an appointment for ASAP to get my IUD removed...I want to wait until August. It's not that I don't want to, I'm just very uncomfortable talking with people I don't know, and I HATE talking on the phone and I'm nervous that I'll call and they'll be like, "Oh well you're not set until August." and then I'll feel like an idiot and embarrassed. Anyway. We're excited and can't wait to have it removed so that we can start trying to conceive soon.
Yesterday we were bored and he knew that I wanted to get out of the house (I've been telling him in a very playful manner about how I hate being stuck in the house all day every day by myself only for him to come home and still wanna stay inside and play video games and whatever all night and weekend) so he asked if I wanted to go to the outlet mall. I said sure, knowing we don't have any money to spend, and he was only doing it to make me happy, but I was excited to get out and do something and for it to be just us (and all the other shoppers, but just us in a way).
We took Trans Mountain Road out to the outlet mall which runs through the mountains, it's curvy and you can see a lot of very flat, flat land on the other side of the mountains, but the mountains themselves are sort of beautiful. Not extremely because it is Texas and everything is sandy and has tumbleweeds and whatnot, but being that I've never been that close to mountains before, they had a sense of beauty and wonder about them. Needless to say, I filled my cameras memory with pictures of the hills and the view between them.
Once we got to the mall, he mentioned going into a Vans store and looking at little shoes for little tiny children. We spent the next hour and a half going through all the baby and children's stores (and some shoe stores) looking at infant and small child apparel. We made a ton of faces at each other and said a lot of, "This is so cute, can we have a baby right now?" He made the yanking motion with his hands a few times, signalling he was ready to pull my IUD out himself right then and there. During one of our conversations he even joked that when he came home from work everyday he wouldn't let me see the baby because he would be too busy cuddling and playing with her (or him). "As soon as I get home from work that baby is MINE."  We've had names picked out for a few months. We're just so excited. I've had baby fever since Max was like...2 months old. Haha. Even Tim's starting to get it. He notices every pregnant woman who walks by, everyone in a movie, all small children and babies.
Don't get me wrong, I am a little nervous. We haven't been married long, definitely haven't been living together long, we don't have a whole lot of money...Are we even ready? And what about Max? How would he handle having a younger brother or sister? He did great for awhile with the little boy I was nannying back in NY. Whenever Jordan cried, Max was right there giving him a toy or putting his binkie in his mouth. He was excited to see him everyday. And then it started seeming like he didn't like him anymore. He was getting distant with me (I think because he felt like he had to compete for my attention or that Jordan was my main priority and not himself) and was starting to act up, and he started saying that he didn't want to go to Mommy's house (from Daddy's) and I think it was because he was worried Jordan would be there and he wouldn't be the center of attention. So how would Max handle it? He's only three. Granted, by the time the baby is born, Max will be four. But with all the in-between Max is going to be doing until he's FIVE (because of the custody agreement between his father and I) is it selfish or stupid to bring a baby into the house? I'm terrified I might make the wrong decision about this. I want to give Tim a baby so badly, he's going to be a fantastic father, but I'm so nervous about how my own baby is going to do with such a big change. And what if I pick a favorite? I know so many moms are like, "I love all my children equally," but I'm terrified my brain is going to go crazy and I'm going to love Max more because he was my first or I'm going to love the new baby because his dad is my husband and not my ridiculous ex whom I'm not a huge fan of. Will I treat Max different because I won't have him all of the time? Like when he's with me, am I going to neglect the new baby because I'm going to be trying to catch up on my lost time with Max? Will I lose that connection I feel with Max and feel like maybe it won't be repaired and just...lose him completely? I'm terrified.
I've always dreamed of having a big family though (not huge, but three or four kids) and I so badly want to continue building that family. And I feel like my sitting here everyday with no children is just wasting my time. I could be growing a human being right now. Tim works all day and I...clean and watch TV. Wouldn't his hard work be better met with my taking care of children? Instead of spending all day by myself?
My mind is going insane right now. I really should probably go to bed. But lately I've been thinking way too much and can't get to sleep until super late. And of course tonight I was chatty and giggly and the poor man is trying to sleep. I'll probably go in soon and try to get to sleep. Goodnight dear fans. <3

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Hubby Time =]

So last time I was whining about how I feel unnoticed. That day we had gone to Wal Mart and I'd gotten 2 books and a puzzle and a game. The next day I made him play Scrabble with me. We played two games. We had a lot of fun and it was great. And he's been helping me with my puzzle a little bit. One of the books I got is called The Book of Awesome and it's a ton of things that are awesome. It explains what makes each thing awesome (for example of the things is 'taking a bra off after a long day' and it goes to say something like you don't realize how uncomfortable you are until you get comfortable or something like that. You don't know how awful it is until you're free of it. I don't know, something like that) and there's like a hundred in the book. But I read a few of those out loud to him and we laughed and talked about each one. And it was nice. I don't need a ton of time for him to just sit with me and pay attention to me like I'm a child. But I will take the time that I get, and I will ask for the time that I need. And I will not take him, or that time, for granted.
He's an amazing man. And he loves me. And I love him. He doesn't ignore me. He just doesn't know how to...I don't know the phrasing. He's never been in a super serious relationship before like this. I've had Andrew and I've had Shaun. Unfortunately Mike even sort of counts. This is a learning process. For both of us.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

I'm in Texas. For good.

So. I'm in Texas. Shaun and I came up with an agreement to give me permission to move to be with my husband, Tim, down in Texas. Shaun and I will have Max for a few months each, before handing him off to the other for a few months. Shaun has Max for the first interval thing so that I can get everything settled down here so that Max comes down to a set room and not a big mess. Which is also turning out to be a trial for me. If I can actually handle it. I get Max back the first week of September. Which is another two months. Kill me. Now. It's horrible. We talk on the phone or Skype at least once a day so I can still talk to him and see him, but it's so hard to be away from him. He's my baby. He's been my entire life for 4 years, if you count from the minute I found out I was pregnant. Which is when he became the center of my world. He saved my life. He brought me out of depression. And now I cannot hold him. I can't whisper in his ear, or fluff his hair up when he wakes up from his nap because he's got 'sweaty-head' and I can't rock him when he's tired or sad. I don't have my baby. I feel empty.

As per the agreement, Tim will get out of the army when his date thing comes up and we will move back to NY and Max will enroll in kindergarten there and we will have a NORMAL visitation schedule between Shaun and I for Max. That will be early 2013 so Max can start school Fall 2013.

But I'm doing the best I can. Tim doesn't want me to get a job, and I don't mind that at all. He wants to 'be the man' and support me and my son, as well as our future children. As of right now, I clean during the day and do whatever I'd like (watch TV, play with the bunny, play with the dog, read, do puzzles, whatever) and at some point I should make dinner. On the weekends he likes to help with dinner. When Max comes down, he will be my full responsibility. I'll still have to cook and clean like I do now, but I get all day every day to play with my baby. And on the weekends, if Tim doesn't steal him away (he can't wait for Max to come down either!) we can do family things, like go bowling, go to the movies, go to the Zoo, look for train tracks, play games...I can't wait. I just want us to be a FAMILY. A real one. Not broken and far apart. And maybe in a few months, maybe in a few years, when we have more kids, things will be easier. Things will be fun and busy. When Max is here, things will be perfect. When he's not, things will be hard, and lonely, and quiet. But I know that things will be better again and I'll get Max back soon, and that's what keeps me going.

Tim got Pliskin (Skinny) back in February. He's a Daschund/Corgi mix. He's adorable and his ears are like...the size of his head. They're huge. I love them. He's pretty good, he's a year old. He's still working on being perfectly potty trained. He prefers to go outside to pee and wander around, and then when we come back inside, two minutes later he poops on the bathroom floor. Whatever. We poop in there too. He just thinks he's human. No big deal.  A week after I got down here, I got a bunny! She's a tiny white dwarf and I'm pretty sure she's pretty young. Her name is Marcie Mabel. I chose Marcie because if she's younger than six months and is really a boy, when she matures and starts having boy parts, I can just change her name over to Marcell. She's adorable. Hates carrots. Loves celery. When Max gets down here, I want to take him to find a fish. He loves going to the store and looking at all the fish. So I want to get him one so he can look at it all the time.

Anyway. Today Tim and I went shopping. I wanted to get a book and a puzzle and we needed some groceries. While we were there, we stopped by the games (they were right next to the puzzles). I suggested we get one. He seemed like he didn't care less. I spend every day, all day, by myself. Then he comes home and we eat dinner and watch tv. I go on the computer and he plays his video games. I wanted to get a few games so that we could have some actual time together. Like real time. After we got married we went to a friends cabin for a night. We sat in front of the fire and played Monopoly. We had just US time. There was nothing else in the world. And I want that back. He comes home and we goof around a little then and before bed and the rest of the time it's like I'm still alone. I want to be with him and actually spend time WITH him. I grabbed scrabble and suggested Monopoly or Sorry or even Uno. And he just said he didn't care. And I couldn't even tell him how I felt, about wanting to be able to play games with him and interact with him because if I said it I would have started crying. I'm in a new place, with no friends. I just want someone to talk to, someone to spend time with, someone to listen to me. And I know he'll be that person, I just need to tell him. I want him to know that I appreciate him and that he's supporting me, so I want him to be able to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. But I want him to still see me. I know I'm spoiled and he gets me whatever I ask for. But all I want is him. I just want his attention. And I get it sometimes. And I know he doesn't realize he's ignoring me. And I know that if I say something, I'll just be your average whiney, nagging wife. And that's not who I want to be. I love him, and I want him to be happy. So I want him to play his games and do what he wants. Because that makes him happy. And when he's done with those things, I'll be waiting. Because to me, it will be worth it. If being a good wife means letting him do his thing until he's done, then that's fine. I'll wait.

Buh. I just want him to play with me. In a completely clean manner. Whatever. I'm done. I'll write more later. About absolutely nothing. Which is what you ALLLL want to read about. I know. You don't gotta twist my arm. I'll give you plenty of CRAP to read. =] Mmk?

Thursday, May 19, 2011


Lately I've been thinking a lot about Andy. I went to visit him the other day too...Yesterday actually. I never know what to say when I'm there. I feel stupid talking to a grave, but I feel stupid standing there in the silence. I wonder where he is now, if he's happy. If he's anywhere...Does he think of me? What does he think of me? Can you remember those you loved after death? Is he ashamed of the choices I've made since he left? How I've been living, where I am now, what's happened, how I've 'dealt' (or lack there of) with his death? Anything? I have so many questions about death, Heaven, what happens, anything. I so badly want to know if he still loves me. Is that selfish? I miss him and still love him with my whole heart. Does he feel the same? I love my son, and I love my husband. What happens when I die? Will I be there as a mother, as a wife, or as Andy's girlfriend? I just wish there was a sign so that I knew of him. So that I knew he was well. So that I knew he was still here.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Switched at Birth

I'm watching Whose Line and a preview just came up for a movie coming out called, "Switched At Birth." After 16 years, a family is told that they brought home the wrong baby from the hospital. It got me thinking-what would I do in that situation? Besides cry for days? Would I give up my child that I've been raising for 16 years to get my bio child back? Give up a child I love with my whole heart, a child I have a bond with, for a child who might not feel anything for me at all? A child I do love, because it's mine, that I may not ever have that bond with? And what about the guilt I would be feeling? How could I bring a child home and not even know that it wasn't my own? And what about the hospital? Would I sue them for making the mistake between two children? How many times had they messed up before? How many other families were being torn apart/had already been torn apart/would never know that they weren't blood related? My goodness, what in the world??? I don't even know what I would do, how I would go about figuring out what to do...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Reeses are amazing. End of story.

My ultimate favorite candy (or just favorite thing in the world in general) are Reeses peanut butter cups. I can eat them the minute I wake up, two seconds after I fill up on a meal, before bed, middle of the night. Anytime. Easter candy 50% off. Time to stock up. =]

Jordan is here. I have him 12 hours a day on the days I have him. His mom works 4 10 hour days. Max usually wakes up in the morning between 7 and 8:30am. Jordan gets dropped off around 1:30pm. Max's bedtime is 9pm. Jordan usually falls asleep shortly after, but I stay up until he gets picked up (at 1:30am) because he's not a great sleeper, I feel uncomfortable sleeping with him still here, and it's my only "me" time that I get. I use this time to watch my TV shows, play games online, read, have some ice cream (or of course, Reeses!), whatever. Jordan has a rule though, no sleeping over an hour at a time. He goes back to sleep after sucking on his bottle for about 10 seconds. He doesn't usually actually drink anything out of it, and I can't get him to actually drink any, hoping that if he's waking up because he's hungry that by having some of his bottle, he'll sleep a little longer.

Tomorrow I don't have Jordan, I do work (Kohl's-usually in the jewelry department, sometimes as a cashier) 10-2pm, and then Max comes home at 5pm from his dad's. Then we're going to my mom's for dinner. I try to take him over to see her at least once a week. We mostly have a good relationship...we've definitely had our moments, and even our years, but usually we get along fine now. Thankfully. It's important to have supportive parents, no matter how old you are.

I think this couch is lopsided. It's relatively new I think...Maybe a few years. Now that I think about it, it's got to be much older than that. Ten years maybe? Wow. That's a lot longer than a 'few.' Anyway, I think it sinks in where there's a butt because I kind of tip to one side when sitting in certain spots. My laptop is...on my lap...and the screen is way uneven. It's awkward. I'm trying to make my legs sit evenly for my computer and still have room for my arm to be able to type without restriction from the armrest. It's not working very well. Not happy.

As exciting as this has been for you, and I'm sure it has been, I've got to work on my other blog. Well. I still have to do the exercise before I can blog about it...

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Introduction to Me! =]

Hello, I'm Tiara Brugger. I'm 22 years old. Three years ago, February 2008, I became the mother to a beautiful baby boy. My son, Max Andrew, is my whole life. His cheerful blue eyes, round face, and the beautiful laugh he lets out are what I live for. He's made me who I am today. He's WHY I'm here today. There is one other person who can make my whole day in a matter of seconds; my husband. Tim and I got married December 23, 2010. Four months ago yesterday, I gave the man I love my hand, a soft kiss, and a promise to love him forever. And I sure will.
At the moment, Tim is stationed in Texas, in the Army. I'm currently in New York, working out details with Max's father so that I'm able to move to Texas and both of us still be able to have Max. It's looking like a 3-month swap (Him have Max for 3 months, then I have Max for 3 months, he has him, I have him...) which is definitely going to be very hard on both of our parts. Not being able to see Max for that long is going to tear me apart. My place is by my husbands side, while raising my son. This is the only way I can do both. In about a year and a half, Tim can get out of the army, and we'll move back to NY and go back to normal times with Max. We're excited to start a family together. Tim absolutely adores Max and is so happy to be his new stepdad, which is something that I am so relieved over. My son if my life, and if someone didn't accept that, it simply wouldn't work out, end of story. But Tim is amazing with him! And I know that Max is going to be an excellent big brother. I nanny 3-4 days a week for a little boy named Jordan. He's 10 months old, and he's been around Max since he was born. Max is always patting him on the back, giving him some toys, if he starts crying, Max is the first one there to give him his binky. He "knows" what Jordan needs, "Mommy, Baby Doden needs a nap," or "Mom, Doden needs to eat lunch." I'm excited to give him a sibling.
I figure to get to know me, I'll do some of those question things that go around e-mails, myspace, facebook, wherever. Lots of random info. Enjoy getting to know me =]

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. BURGER KING woot woot
2. Sears (cashier)
3. School Bus Attendant for children with Special Needs
4. Kohl's (Jewelry department)

Four movies I've watched more than once:
1. Transformers (some of my favorite movie's!)
2. Juno
3. Despicable Me
4. Tristan and Isolde

Four places I have lived:
1. Hamlin, NY
2. Hilton, NY
3. Sweden, NY 
4. Gates, NY

Four places I have been:
1. Niagara Falls (both US and Canadian sides)
2. Brockport Free Methodist Church
3. Cayman Islands
4. El Paso, Texas

Four Favorite drinks
1. Chocolate Milk
2. Cherry Pepsi
3. Berry wine coolers
4. TGI Friday's mudlside mix!

People who text or email me regularly:
1. Mom
2. Chelsea
3. Timothy
4. Donna

Four of your favorite foods:
1. Pizza
2. Tacos
3. Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
4. Potato Chips

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Sleeping in bed
2. El Paso with Tim
3. Local Gas Station turning in a winning lottery ticket... =]
4. in my little boys arms in a great big hug! =]

Four things I am looking forward to this year:
1. Moving to TX and possibly starting a family
2. Mine and Tim's one year anniversary (much later this year!)
3. Hopefully losing more weight...
4. SUMMER! haha

Four TV shows that I watch:
2. River Monsters
3. Law & Order SVU
4. Army Wives

What is the last serious or important thing you thought about?

What is the last words you spoke out loud?
"Bear you're driving me nuts."

What was the last thing you drank?
Water with flavoring

Whats on TV?

Is there a song in your head?
not right now, no

How often do you get songs in your head?

Why did you last laugh?
Something funny on TV

Whens the next time you'll spend a lot of money?
As soon as my credit card bill comes out of my account.

When's the next time you'll go shopping?
I'm not really sure.

Have you ever kissed someone whose name starts with a J?
Freshman year. Jon.

Do you like the color green?
Yeah I think so.

Have you ever eaten uncooked ramen noodles?
no. i dont even eat cooked ramen.

Is there a place you would like to visit?

Do you like winter?
It'sm pretty, but i hate everything else about it.

What are you scared of?
the dark, small insects (centipedes, milipedes, spiders...), snakes, being alone

What did you dream about last night?
I don't remember dreaming 

Favorite Disney movie?
Emperors new groove OBVIOUSLY =p

If you could push one person off a cliff, who would it be?
hahahaha ohhhh. just one?

Do you curse a lot
No. I spend the majority of my day, every day, around children.

How many pillows do you sleep with?
Three plus my body pillow.

Song that always makes you sad?
too many. like hey there delilah and boots of spanish leather. just a dream, and chameleon boy.

Last thing you bought?
picture frames for mine and Tim's place =]

Did you ever own an N sync Cd?
yes, one of them.

Favorite day of the week?
Sundays I think? I usually don't work at Kohl's, and no Jordan so I can spend the day with Max =]

Date someone older or younger?
Older. However, I don't date anymore=] =] =] =] I'm a married woman!

Do you use umbrellas?
i have one that I keep in my car, but I never actually use it.

Do you know all the words to the Canadian national anthem?
no. i dont know any.

Were you in track and field?
nope. Noooooot athletic. At all.

Have you ever written in a library book?

Did the last person you shared a bed with mean anything to you?
my husband. He's the love of my life, my best friend.

Are you drunk?

Absolutely not. I have ONE drink MAYBE once a month.

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Max probably?

Do you and your parents get along?
For the most part

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with the letter M?
Mike. Michael. Max.

Can you take a bra off with one hand?
Dude, I've been able to this since like 5th grade.

Do you have any pet fish?
Stupid fish died.

When's the last time you went to the beach?
A while ago. I hate the beach

Does anyone love you?
Absolutely he does.

What color shirt are you wearing?


Do you have a reason to smile right now?
not really. but theres nothing keeping me from smiling.

What were you doing at 7am?

Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?

Favorite time of the year?
fall. i love the leaves and the new school supplies

Could you survive without electricity?
For a short amount of time, yes. But not long-term

What time did you get up this morning?
shortly after 9

How often do you drink Monster?
never. ever

Are you waiting for something?
Hear from the lawyers about mine and my ex's agreement with Max

Could you go a month without talking to your best friend?
That would be my husband. I can't go two hours without talking to him without going into a panic.

Are girls too dramatic?

Are you feeling uneasy about anything?
no. i dont think so.

How often do you lose your voice?

How many 20 dollar bills do you have on you now?
Chelsea just paid me for watching Jordan so...maybe 7?

Is there something you're looking forward to in the next month?

hopefully moving to be with my husband!!

Is something bothering you?
That we've been married for 4 months and I've seen him for 3 weeks of it.

Also that I'll have to be without my son so much the next year and a half

Where were you at midnight last night and what were you doing?
sitting in my bed, on my computer, watching TV

Relationships or one night stands?
Relationships. one night stands are for people who are lonely/have no confidence

Would you run around a neighborhood at night naked for 500 dollars?
UM YEAH. That's a lot of money for little embarrassment.

When is the next time you'll kiss someone?
tomorrow morning when my son wakes up =]

Ever slept naked?
once or twice, I usually have AT LEAST underwear on

Do you wish anyone was with you at the moment?
Timothy <3

Could you ever see yourself becoming a vegetarian?
i almost tried once but i loooooove meat. yum yum steak!

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a N?

Do you feel like you are wasting your time on anyone right now?
nope not at all.