Saturday, July 2, 2011

I'm in Texas. For good.

So. I'm in Texas. Shaun and I came up with an agreement to give me permission to move to be with my husband, Tim, down in Texas. Shaun and I will have Max for a few months each, before handing him off to the other for a few months. Shaun has Max for the first interval thing so that I can get everything settled down here so that Max comes down to a set room and not a big mess. Which is also turning out to be a trial for me. If I can actually handle it. I get Max back the first week of September. Which is another two months. Kill me. Now. It's horrible. We talk on the phone or Skype at least once a day so I can still talk to him and see him, but it's so hard to be away from him. He's my baby. He's been my entire life for 4 years, if you count from the minute I found out I was pregnant. Which is when he became the center of my world. He saved my life. He brought me out of depression. And now I cannot hold him. I can't whisper in his ear, or fluff his hair up when he wakes up from his nap because he's got 'sweaty-head' and I can't rock him when he's tired or sad. I don't have my baby. I feel empty.

As per the agreement, Tim will get out of the army when his date thing comes up and we will move back to NY and Max will enroll in kindergarten there and we will have a NORMAL visitation schedule between Shaun and I for Max. That will be early 2013 so Max can start school Fall 2013.

But I'm doing the best I can. Tim doesn't want me to get a job, and I don't mind that at all. He wants to 'be the man' and support me and my son, as well as our future children. As of right now, I clean during the day and do whatever I'd like (watch TV, play with the bunny, play with the dog, read, do puzzles, whatever) and at some point I should make dinner. On the weekends he likes to help with dinner. When Max comes down, he will be my full responsibility. I'll still have to cook and clean like I do now, but I get all day every day to play with my baby. And on the weekends, if Tim doesn't steal him away (he can't wait for Max to come down either!) we can do family things, like go bowling, go to the movies, go to the Zoo, look for train tracks, play games...I can't wait. I just want us to be a FAMILY. A real one. Not broken and far apart. And maybe in a few months, maybe in a few years, when we have more kids, things will be easier. Things will be fun and busy. When Max is here, things will be perfect. When he's not, things will be hard, and lonely, and quiet. But I know that things will be better again and I'll get Max back soon, and that's what keeps me going.

Tim got Pliskin (Skinny) back in February. He's a Daschund/Corgi mix. He's adorable and his ears are like...the size of his head. They're huge. I love them. He's pretty good, he's a year old. He's still working on being perfectly potty trained. He prefers to go outside to pee and wander around, and then when we come back inside, two minutes later he poops on the bathroom floor. Whatever. We poop in there too. He just thinks he's human. No big deal.  A week after I got down here, I got a bunny! She's a tiny white dwarf and I'm pretty sure she's pretty young. Her name is Marcie Mabel. I chose Marcie because if she's younger than six months and is really a boy, when she matures and starts having boy parts, I can just change her name over to Marcell. She's adorable. Hates carrots. Loves celery. When Max gets down here, I want to take him to find a fish. He loves going to the store and looking at all the fish. So I want to get him one so he can look at it all the time.

Anyway. Today Tim and I went shopping. I wanted to get a book and a puzzle and we needed some groceries. While we were there, we stopped by the games (they were right next to the puzzles). I suggested we get one. He seemed like he didn't care less. I spend every day, all day, by myself. Then he comes home and we eat dinner and watch tv. I go on the computer and he plays his video games. I wanted to get a few games so that we could have some actual time together. Like real time. After we got married we went to a friends cabin for a night. We sat in front of the fire and played Monopoly. We had just US time. There was nothing else in the world. And I want that back. He comes home and we goof around a little then and before bed and the rest of the time it's like I'm still alone. I want to be with him and actually spend time WITH him. I grabbed scrabble and suggested Monopoly or Sorry or even Uno. And he just said he didn't care. And I couldn't even tell him how I felt, about wanting to be able to play games with him and interact with him because if I said it I would have started crying. I'm in a new place, with no friends. I just want someone to talk to, someone to spend time with, someone to listen to me. And I know he'll be that person, I just need to tell him. I want him to know that I appreciate him and that he's supporting me, so I want him to be able to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. But I want him to still see me. I know I'm spoiled and he gets me whatever I ask for. But all I want is him. I just want his attention. And I get it sometimes. And I know he doesn't realize he's ignoring me. And I know that if I say something, I'll just be your average whiney, nagging wife. And that's not who I want to be. I love him, and I want him to be happy. So I want him to play his games and do what he wants. Because that makes him happy. And when he's done with those things, I'll be waiting. Because to me, it will be worth it. If being a good wife means letting him do his thing until he's done, then that's fine. I'll wait.

Buh. I just want him to play with me. In a completely clean manner. Whatever. I'm done. I'll write more later. About absolutely nothing. Which is what you ALLLL want to read about. I know. You don't gotta twist my arm. I'll give you plenty of CRAP to read. =] Mmk?

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