Thursday, August 25, 2011

I'm in New York

I arrived in NY around 3:40 this afternoon. I won't see Max for a few days still. There's a good reason behind it, I just hate it. And I feel like I'm cheating him being in the same state and not going to see him.
The thing is-I'll be busy tomorrow and the day after (Friday and Saturday). And Shaun and I talked about it and we agreed on what is best for MAX...because that's what parenting is about-what's best for the child. And even though it's killing me inside, I agree that it's best for him. If you're a parent, and even if you're not, hopefully you'll understand where Shaun and I are coming from, and agree with us.
I arrived in buffalo around quarter to 4. By the time I got back to my area, it'd be around 5:30, 6:00 by the time I got to Shaun's. Bedtime is around 9, that's 3 hours MAXIMUM that I'd be able to see him. So then I would leave, and tomorrow is a wedding, and Saturday is a wedding so I won't be able to see him either of those days. So we agreed if I saw him today, it would be almost like teasing him. Giving him something he's wanted for so long (Mommy), only to take her away again (for 2 more days). He's only 3 and a half. And while, yes, I think he's very smart, I don't think he's patient enough, nor would he understand that I'll be back in a couple days. All he would see was that Mommy left for a long time, Mommy came back for a very very short time, then Mommy left again. So he would be heartbroken. And then he would be angry and anxious and sad. Shaun doesn't want to have to deal with that, I don't want to do that to my son, and I don't want Max to feel that way. So...he doesn't know Mommy's back yet. And there is NOTHING I want more than to go get him.
I've chosen not to bring him to either wedding, also for a good reason. If I brought him, I would be consumed with Max. I would be kissing him and hugging him and holding him. We would be acting silly, and paying absolutely no attention to the ceremony. And I feel that would be extremely disrespectful to the couple, even with my distance from my son. So, he's staying away for that.

Anyway, Tim and I got up at 4:30 this morning to get ready, packed into the car, and get me to the airport. I checked in and said goodbye to him. I told him NOT to stand there and watch me til he couldn't see me anymore. I wanted him to be able to go home and go back to sleep before getting up for work, also I know that I wouldn't be able to handle it, seeing him standing there, as I walked away, him getting smaller. And I almost think that was the better decision...however I hurt so terribly when I turned around and saw him walking away, and then he was the one who was gone. As soon as he got home, we were texting for a bit, then I let him go back to sleep, and I waited to board. Skip ahead to my arrival in Atlanta.
I turned me phone on when we landed. I saw that my mom had texted me saying "Safe Travels!" so I texted her back telling her that I had just landed in Atlanta. She mentioned a haircut, then went straight to asking me and Max over for breakfast, lunch, or dinner on Sunday. I told her I really wasn't sure I would be able to make it, because it would be my first day with Max, and I really wanted it to be just us. She immediately got upset with me, accusing me of choosing my dad over her. (I'm staying at my dad's house-I lived her the past year, he has a room for Max, and a room for me, she lives in a one bedroom apartment.) I told her that I wouldn't be spending the day with Dad and my stepmom Donna, that if I wanted to be left alone, they would easily leave me alone to be with Max. I told her that if I were to go to her house, he would be consumed with Grandma, I haven't seen my son in two and a half months, that I wanted to spend time with just him. I didn't want to fight over him with her. (She didn't text me back for 6 hours when she then acted just fine, and again said that she hoped she'd see me on Sunday.) My mom and I are close, but sometimes, I just cannot get along with her. She fights me over small things, she pushes me when I want things to be left alone, if I'm upset with her, she continues to make it worse. I love my mother, I really do. Sometimes I just wish she would just STOP...and then try again later or something. Or LISTEN to what I'm trying to tell her. If she were in a similar situation, she would also want her OWN TIME with her child, and not want to share. That's all I want. My own time. With my own child. Anyway, so I was sitting on a cold chair, in a big airport, by myself, with my mother complaining to me about wanting to see Max and I, on my very first day back with my son. I did my best to push it out of my mind, after complaining a little bit to my stepmom (who, may I add, is morelike a best friend to me, than a stepmom), and bought a magazine, then boarded the next flight.

I landed in Buffalo, walked through the airport at lightning speed, and approached the big glass wall that divides picker-uppers, from the picker-uppees. I spotted my dad just beyond the doors, arms crossed, glasses in one hand, searching...He saw me and did his, "Hi Piglet!!!!" wave, and I of course waved back and picked up the pace. When I crossed through the doors, he hurried over and threw his arms around me. I almost cried. I've always been a Daddy's Girl, and I missed my daddy. We laughed and talked and joked, and I was so glad to be home. We got pizza for dinner, then went out for ice cream. Donna and I watched some TV and did a LOT of talking, we all shared pictures we had on our computers of Max (I showed them the pictures Shaun sent me via DropBox from when they went to Darien Lake), Tim called me (and later texted me) and now I'm sitting in my room.

It's almost 1am, and I'm alone. I should be used to this right? We were apart for so much of our relationship. We've been together almost a year now, and yet we've only been TOGETHER for like...4 months. And it's only for two weeks that we'll be apart. But I always got used to him after even a week. I've been with him for so long (which isn't even long!) that now, I can't imagine NOT being with him. I'm afraid of even trying to sleep, I know it will be too quiet, too lonely...I'm missing my husband,  AND my son. Like...what do I even do now.

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