Thursday, May 19, 2011
Lately I've been thinking a lot about Andy. I went to visit him the other day too...Yesterday actually. I never know what to say when I'm there. I feel stupid talking to a grave, but I feel stupid standing there in the silence. I wonder where he is now, if he's happy. If he's anywhere...Does he think of me? What does he think of me? Can you remember those you loved after death? Is he ashamed of the choices I've made since he left? How I've been living, where I am now, what's happened, how I've 'dealt' (or lack there of) with his death? Anything? I have so many questions about death, Heaven, what happens, anything. I so badly want to know if he still loves me. Is that selfish? I miss him and still love him with my whole heart. Does he feel the same? I love my son, and I love my husband. What happens when I die? Will I be there as a mother, as a wife, or as Andy's girlfriend? I just wish there was a sign so that I knew of him. So that I knew he was well. So that I knew he was still here.