Thursday, August 25, 2011

I'm in New York

I arrived in NY around 3:40 this afternoon. I won't see Max for a few days still. There's a good reason behind it, I just hate it. And I feel like I'm cheating him being in the same state and not going to see him.
The thing is-I'll be busy tomorrow and the day after (Friday and Saturday). And Shaun and I talked about it and we agreed on what is best for MAX...because that's what parenting is about-what's best for the child. And even though it's killing me inside, I agree that it's best for him. If you're a parent, and even if you're not, hopefully you'll understand where Shaun and I are coming from, and agree with us.
I arrived in buffalo around quarter to 4. By the time I got back to my area, it'd be around 5:30, 6:00 by the time I got to Shaun's. Bedtime is around 9, that's 3 hours MAXIMUM that I'd be able to see him. So then I would leave, and tomorrow is a wedding, and Saturday is a wedding so I won't be able to see him either of those days. So we agreed if I saw him today, it would be almost like teasing him. Giving him something he's wanted for so long (Mommy), only to take her away again (for 2 more days). He's only 3 and a half. And while, yes, I think he's very smart, I don't think he's patient enough, nor would he understand that I'll be back in a couple days. All he would see was that Mommy left for a long time, Mommy came back for a very very short time, then Mommy left again. So he would be heartbroken. And then he would be angry and anxious and sad. Shaun doesn't want to have to deal with that, I don't want to do that to my son, and I don't want Max to feel that way. So...he doesn't know Mommy's back yet. And there is NOTHING I want more than to go get him.
I've chosen not to bring him to either wedding, also for a good reason. If I brought him, I would be consumed with Max. I would be kissing him and hugging him and holding him. We would be acting silly, and paying absolutely no attention to the ceremony. And I feel that would be extremely disrespectful to the couple, even with my distance from my son. So, he's staying away for that.

Anyway, Tim and I got up at 4:30 this morning to get ready, packed into the car, and get me to the airport. I checked in and said goodbye to him. I told him NOT to stand there and watch me til he couldn't see me anymore. I wanted him to be able to go home and go back to sleep before getting up for work, also I know that I wouldn't be able to handle it, seeing him standing there, as I walked away, him getting smaller. And I almost think that was the better decision...however I hurt so terribly when I turned around and saw him walking away, and then he was the one who was gone. As soon as he got home, we were texting for a bit, then I let him go back to sleep, and I waited to board. Skip ahead to my arrival in Atlanta.
I turned me phone on when we landed. I saw that my mom had texted me saying "Safe Travels!" so I texted her back telling her that I had just landed in Atlanta. She mentioned a haircut, then went straight to asking me and Max over for breakfast, lunch, or dinner on Sunday. I told her I really wasn't sure I would be able to make it, because it would be my first day with Max, and I really wanted it to be just us. She immediately got upset with me, accusing me of choosing my dad over her. (I'm staying at my dad's house-I lived her the past year, he has a room for Max, and a room for me, she lives in a one bedroom apartment.) I told her that I wouldn't be spending the day with Dad and my stepmom Donna, that if I wanted to be left alone, they would easily leave me alone to be with Max. I told her that if I were to go to her house, he would be consumed with Grandma, I haven't seen my son in two and a half months, that I wanted to spend time with just him. I didn't want to fight over him with her. (She didn't text me back for 6 hours when she then acted just fine, and again said that she hoped she'd see me on Sunday.) My mom and I are close, but sometimes, I just cannot get along with her. She fights me over small things, she pushes me when I want things to be left alone, if I'm upset with her, she continues to make it worse. I love my mother, I really do. Sometimes I just wish she would just STOP...and then try again later or something. Or LISTEN to what I'm trying to tell her. If she were in a similar situation, she would also want her OWN TIME with her child, and not want to share. That's all I want. My own time. With my own child. Anyway, so I was sitting on a cold chair, in a big airport, by myself, with my mother complaining to me about wanting to see Max and I, on my very first day back with my son. I did my best to push it out of my mind, after complaining a little bit to my stepmom (who, may I add, is morelike a best friend to me, than a stepmom), and bought a magazine, then boarded the next flight.

I landed in Buffalo, walked through the airport at lightning speed, and approached the big glass wall that divides picker-uppers, from the picker-uppees. I spotted my dad just beyond the doors, arms crossed, glasses in one hand, searching...He saw me and did his, "Hi Piglet!!!!" wave, and I of course waved back and picked up the pace. When I crossed through the doors, he hurried over and threw his arms around me. I almost cried. I've always been a Daddy's Girl, and I missed my daddy. We laughed and talked and joked, and I was so glad to be home. We got pizza for dinner, then went out for ice cream. Donna and I watched some TV and did a LOT of talking, we all shared pictures we had on our computers of Max (I showed them the pictures Shaun sent me via DropBox from when they went to Darien Lake), Tim called me (and later texted me) and now I'm sitting in my room.

It's almost 1am, and I'm alone. I should be used to this right? We were apart for so much of our relationship. We've been together almost a year now, and yet we've only been TOGETHER for like...4 months. And it's only for two weeks that we'll be apart. But I always got used to him after even a week. I've been with him for so long (which isn't even long!) that now, I can't imagine NOT being with him. I'm afraid of even trying to sleep, I know it will be too quiet, too lonely...I'm missing my husband,  AND my son. Like...what do I even do now.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Warning. TMI

So. For those of you whom I know and am friends with-YOU WILL NOT SAY A WORD TO ANYONE.
But I just pulled my Mirena out. Tim and I have been talking about it a lot and we're getting impatient so I went into the bathroom, then reached in, grabbed the strings, and pulled it out. I didn't feel it coming out at all, the only way I knew it was out was because I was holding it. Literally didn't feel a thing. Tim's gonna shit a brick when he wakes up tomorrow and sees my IUD sitting on the bathroom counter (on a Kleenex). He's been joking about doing it himself for weeks but tonight he said he was too scared. And told me to do it. Or wait til we could get a doctor appt. Well. I got impatient and once something gets into my mind, I do it.
Don't get all excited yet, it could take MONTHS and more MONTHS before we get pregnant. And also we want to tell people when we're ready that we're trying. And I do still need to get a doctor and get all that set up. So don't say a word. BUT I'M SO EXCITED. But don't say anything. Except to me. CUZ I'M EXCITED. And incredibly stupid for taking it out myself. But still excited.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Got a new bunny!

We went out yesterday and got a new bunny. He's very different from Marcie. Obviously it's a boy, he's a different breed and older so he's a LOT bigger than she was, he's black and white...I haven't had him out much and so far he's not a big explorer, but when we got him they said they thought he might have a UTI which can be treated with a visit to the vet, but also we could try some cranberry juice diluted in his water. So we're gonna try that. But I was also thinking he might not be super exploratory because of the UTI. So. That might be it.

He wasn't a big fan of being moved out of his little cage at the store and he gave me a nice scratch across my entire right boob. And I know you don't really wanna hear this, but my boobs are big. So it's a long scratch. Looks a little bit like someone thought my boobs were fake and cut across the top of a boob to try to just grab out an implant. Because I know you're concerned, and very curious about my cleavage.

Anyway, new bunny's name is Pierre. He's a big boy and all of his stuff is pink from Marcie. So I didn't want it to be a very manly name. I asked lots of people for name ideas for a not-manly bunny and I got lots of great ideas. A friend was the one who came up with Pierre. She told me to actually look at french boy names, and then gave Pierre as an example. I'm going with it. =]

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I am a country girl.

I didn't grow up in the middle of NOWHERE, but it was a small town. Not as small as surrounding areas, but it wasn't big by far. I listen to country music and my dream is to have a huge plot of land and an old farmhouse smack in the middle of it. Tim wants a 'burro' and some goats and I want dogs and a clothesline and we want our kids to have dirt bikes and four wheelers and a barn to store them all in. When I hear songs about "old country roots" and whatever, I wish that I grew up in areas like that. I want my daughter to grow up with long blonde hair and cowboy boots, white cotton dresses, and know the inside of an old Chevy's engine. I hate the city. I don't even live in a CITY city, it's just like an overgrown town. But I hated having to go into the actual city, let alone a city the whole state is known for.

Just White.

I don't have red hair or freckles, I'm not a vampire or dead or anything. But my skin...GLOWS in the dark. My skin is so white. How have satellites not picked me up because I reflect so much light I'M SO WHITE?

Last weekend we went out shooting. Well. The guys went shooting, I went 'watching' and 'sitting' and 'BURNING.' I told Tim before that I don't tan, I'm either pasty pathetic white, or I'm lobster red. There is no pretty pink, there's no golden tan. I have only two extremes. And right now, I have both. I burnt my thighs so bad it still hurts to touch them, 4 days later. I've used half a bottle of lotion on my burns. And some of the red is fading away and my skin is returning to white. My arms lost the red and are back to white. My feet are splotchy now because some of that burn is returning to white. Coolest chick ever? Me.
I'm all bone. I'm two-toned. Red as a newborn, white as a ghost.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Registered with Tricare Online

So I'm registered online now with Tricare. But I don't know how to set up a specific doctor's office. There's a page where I can go through available offices nearby, but I don't know what in the world I'm even looking at. So I need Tim to come home and do that part. Because he probably knows what he's doing better than I do. But I think when we went and signed up they said that I would be able to make appointments right here online. Which is good. Because I HATE talking on the phone. So once we get this things set up fully, I can make an appointment with a family care physician person, then they can refer me to an OB/GYN and I can get my IUD out. And then we can start working on building our family. Yes, I am terrified to introduce my son to the IDEA of a younger sibling, and I will be terrified forever. When he's older, I will hate that he has to go see his dad while the rest of my children stay with me. I hate that he will be confused and feel outcasted because he has a different father than his brothers and sisters. But I know that he will lose those siblings with his whole heart. He's an amazing little boy, he's going to be an amazing young man, and an amazing man. He's going to love those kids. And he's going to be excited about them someday.

Grey's Anatomy

I LOVE the show. I haven't kept up with it on TV at all, but a few years ago they showed 3 episodes back to back every weekday and I would watch those. They usually went in order (there were a few mix-ups but normally it was fine). At one point it switched back to the beginning and I stopped watching because I didn't want to just start over. Anyway. I stopped watching. Then I moved down here to Texas and my darling husband has Hulu. So I can watch a TV series start to finish. So, I chose Grey's Anatomy.
Anyway, I'm now on Season 6. And I'm starting to hate it. Some of it is just getting boring, lame, irritating. Some of these new actresses are horrible, I just don't like their characters. It's weird. I don't know. I'm irritated with it.