Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Hate myself today.

Tonight is the kind of night I just wanna cry. 
I made a dinner that I thought Tim would be really excited about. I used his special seasoning that he likes (and I'm super picky so I don't usually use anything except salt pepper and garlic powder) and he didn't seem like he liked it. Granted, he ate a ton. He didn't finish his chicken though, and got seconds of the rice. 
I skyped with my son after dinner. He's with his dad til September. The picture is kind of fuzzy and I couldn't really understand a whole lot because he's still young (he's only 3 and a half), but I could tell he was talking about trains and he was so animated and excited to talk to me (we talk almost every day). It made me feel great, until the end when I had to say goodbye. I hate saying bye to him. We always say that we love each other, miss each other, then we do "Biiiig Kisss!" and put both hands to our both, kiss hard, and then spread our hands our so its like letting the kiss fly away. And then I have to say goodbye. Which usually ends with a second 'I love you,' and another bye before hanging up. 
We had no ice cream so I made cookies. I used to make PERFECT chocolate chip cookies. The past 2 times I've made cookies, they've turned out flat and gooey. They're horrible. They taste fine, but they look like a toddler threw some puke into the oven and baked it for ten minutes. (Some of them turned out OK, I threw about half of them in the trash)
It all made me feel like crap. Climbing into bed...I couldn't stand myself. What kind of a mother am I to leave my three year old with his dad. How can I be thinking about having another baby with Tim when I can't even give my own son my undivided attention? I can't be there with him. I have his teddy bear that I made him at Build-A-Bear a couple years ago, with his little undershirt on him that I keep by my bed (and after Tim goes to work Teddy is my cuddle companion) and his picture next to the bed. How can I be a good mom from here?
Needless to say, I'm up now. Crying, obviously. Hating myself.

No comments:

Post a Comment