Sunday, July 10, 2011

Baby Clothes.

Tim and I have been married since December. He's very family oriented and sometimes I think he's as upset as I am that Max isn't with us full time. He cannot wait to be a dad, and he's so excited for Max to come down and be with us. He's excited to do family things. He's also excited for me to have a baby. I currently have the Mirena, and IUD form of birth control. He's always joking about removing it himself so that we can get pregnant. Last week we went to Tricare (military health insurance) and moved me over from the "Standard" care plan over to the "Prime" care plan. However, we were told that this change in coverage doesn't become active until August 1st. Anyway, we went over to register me with the doctor's office and whatnot and they said, "OK, you're all set to start making your appointments!" ...Does that mean I'm SET SET and can actually make my appointments? Or do I still need to wait until August? Tim wants me to call and try to make an appointment for ASAP to get my IUD removed...I want to wait until August. It's not that I don't want to, I'm just very uncomfortable talking with people I don't know, and I HATE talking on the phone and I'm nervous that I'll call and they'll be like, "Oh well you're not set until August." and then I'll feel like an idiot and embarrassed. Anyway. We're excited and can't wait to have it removed so that we can start trying to conceive soon.
Yesterday we were bored and he knew that I wanted to get out of the house (I've been telling him in a very playful manner about how I hate being stuck in the house all day every day by myself only for him to come home and still wanna stay inside and play video games and whatever all night and weekend) so he asked if I wanted to go to the outlet mall. I said sure, knowing we don't have any money to spend, and he was only doing it to make me happy, but I was excited to get out and do something and for it to be just us (and all the other shoppers, but just us in a way).
We took Trans Mountain Road out to the outlet mall which runs through the mountains, it's curvy and you can see a lot of very flat, flat land on the other side of the mountains, but the mountains themselves are sort of beautiful. Not extremely because it is Texas and everything is sandy and has tumbleweeds and whatnot, but being that I've never been that close to mountains before, they had a sense of beauty and wonder about them. Needless to say, I filled my cameras memory with pictures of the hills and the view between them.
Once we got to the mall, he mentioned going into a Vans store and looking at little shoes for little tiny children. We spent the next hour and a half going through all the baby and children's stores (and some shoe stores) looking at infant and small child apparel. We made a ton of faces at each other and said a lot of, "This is so cute, can we have a baby right now?" He made the yanking motion with his hands a few times, signalling he was ready to pull my IUD out himself right then and there. During one of our conversations he even joked that when he came home from work everyday he wouldn't let me see the baby because he would be too busy cuddling and playing with her (or him). "As soon as I get home from work that baby is MINE."  We've had names picked out for a few months. We're just so excited. I've had baby fever since Max was like...2 months old. Haha. Even Tim's starting to get it. He notices every pregnant woman who walks by, everyone in a movie, all small children and babies.
Don't get me wrong, I am a little nervous. We haven't been married long, definitely haven't been living together long, we don't have a whole lot of money...Are we even ready? And what about Max? How would he handle having a younger brother or sister? He did great for awhile with the little boy I was nannying back in NY. Whenever Jordan cried, Max was right there giving him a toy or putting his binkie in his mouth. He was excited to see him everyday. And then it started seeming like he didn't like him anymore. He was getting distant with me (I think because he felt like he had to compete for my attention or that Jordan was my main priority and not himself) and was starting to act up, and he started saying that he didn't want to go to Mommy's house (from Daddy's) and I think it was because he was worried Jordan would be there and he wouldn't be the center of attention. So how would Max handle it? He's only three. Granted, by the time the baby is born, Max will be four. But with all the in-between Max is going to be doing until he's FIVE (because of the custody agreement between his father and I) is it selfish or stupid to bring a baby into the house? I'm terrified I might make the wrong decision about this. I want to give Tim a baby so badly, he's going to be a fantastic father, but I'm so nervous about how my own baby is going to do with such a big change. And what if I pick a favorite? I know so many moms are like, "I love all my children equally," but I'm terrified my brain is going to go crazy and I'm going to love Max more because he was my first or I'm going to love the new baby because his dad is my husband and not my ridiculous ex whom I'm not a huge fan of. Will I treat Max different because I won't have him all of the time? Like when he's with me, am I going to neglect the new baby because I'm going to be trying to catch up on my lost time with Max? Will I lose that connection I feel with Max and feel like maybe it won't be repaired and just...lose him completely? I'm terrified.
I've always dreamed of having a big family though (not huge, but three or four kids) and I so badly want to continue building that family. And I feel like my sitting here everyday with no children is just wasting my time. I could be growing a human being right now. Tim works all day and I...clean and watch TV. Wouldn't his hard work be better met with my taking care of children? Instead of spending all day by myself?
My mind is going insane right now. I really should probably go to bed. But lately I've been thinking way too much and can't get to sleep until super late. And of course tonight I was chatty and giggly and the poor man is trying to sleep. I'll probably go in soon and try to get to sleep. Goodnight dear fans. <3

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