Thursday, May 19, 2011
Lately I've been thinking a lot about Andy. I went to visit him the other day too...Yesterday actually. I never know what to say when I'm there. I feel stupid talking to a grave, but I feel stupid standing there in the silence. I wonder where he is now, if he's happy. If he's anywhere...Does he think of me? What does he think of me? Can you remember those you loved after death? Is he ashamed of the choices I've made since he left? How I've been living, where I am now, what's happened, how I've 'dealt' (or lack there of) with his death? Anything? I have so many questions about death, Heaven, what happens, anything. I so badly want to know if he still loves me. Is that selfish? I miss him and still love him with my whole heart. Does he feel the same? I love my son, and I love my husband. What happens when I die? Will I be there as a mother, as a wife, or as Andy's girlfriend? I just wish there was a sign so that I knew of him. So that I knew he was well. So that I knew he was still here.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
I'm watching Whose Line and a preview just came up for a movie coming out called, "Switched At Birth." After 16 years, a family is told that they brought home the wrong baby from the hospital. It got me thinking-what would I do in that situation? Besides cry for days? Would I give up my child that I've been raising for 16 years to get my bio child back? Give up a child I love with my whole heart, a child I have a bond with, for a child who might not feel anything for me at all? A child I do love, because it's mine, that I may not ever have that bond with? And what about the guilt I would be feeling? How could I bring a child home and not even know that it wasn't my own? And what about the hospital? Would I sue them for making the mistake between two children? How many times had they messed up before? How many other families were being torn apart/had already been torn apart/would never know that they weren't blood related? My goodness, what in the world??? I don't even know what I would do, how I would go about figuring out what to do...