Warning. TMI

So. For those of you whom I know and am friends with-YOU WILL NOT SAY A WORD TO ANYONE.
But I just pulled my Mirena out. Tim and I have been talking about it a lot and we're getting impatient so I went into the bathroom, then reached in, grabbed the strings, and pulled it out. I didn't feel it coming out at all, the only way I knew it was out was because I was holding it. Literally didn't feel a thing. Tim's gonna shit a brick when he wakes up tomorrow and sees my IUD sitting on the bathroom counter (on a Kleenex). He's been joking about doing it himself for weeks but tonight he said he was too scared. And told me to do it. Or wait til we could get a doctor appt. Well. I got impatient and once something gets into my mind, I do it.
Don't get all excited yet, it could take MONTHS and more MONTHS before we get pregnant. And also we want to tell people when we're ready that we're trying. And I do still need to get a doctor and get all that set up. So don't say a word. BUT I'M SO EXCITED. But don't say anything. Except to me. CUZ I'M EXCITED. And incredibly stupid for taking it out myself. But still excited.

Got a new bunny!

We went out yesterday and got a new bunny. He's very different from Marcie. Obviously it's a boy, he's a different breed and older so he's a LOT bigger than she was, he's black and white...I haven't had him out much and so far he's not a big explorer, but when we got him they said they thought he might have a UTI which can be treated with a visit to the vet, but also we could try some cranberry juice diluted in his water. So we're gonna try that. But I was also thinking he might not be super exploratory because of the UTI. So. That might be it.

He wasn't a big fan of being moved out of his little cage at the store and he gave me a nice scratch across my entire right boob. And I know you don't really wanna hear this, but my boobs are big. So it's a long scratch. Looks a little bit like someone thought my boobs were fake and cut across the top of a boob to try to just grab out an implant. Because I know you're concerned, and very curious about my cleavage.

Anyway, new bunny's name is Pierre. He's a big boy and all of his stuff is pink from Marcie. So I didn't want it to be a very manly name. I asked lots of people for name ideas for a not-manly bunny and I got lots of great ideas. A friend was the one who came up with Pierre. She told me to actually look at french boy names, and then gave Pierre as an example. I'm going with it. =]

I am a country girl.

I didn't grow up in the middle of NOWHERE, but it was a small town. Not as small as surrounding areas, but it wasn't big by far. I listen to country music and my dream is to have a huge plot of land and an old farmhouse smack in the middle of it. Tim wants a 'burro' and some goats and I want dogs and a clothesline and we want our kids to have dirt bikes and four wheelers and a barn to store them all in. When I hear songs about "old country roots" and whatever, I wish that I grew up in areas like that. I want my daughter to grow up with long blonde hair and cowboy boots, white cotton dresses, and know the inside of an old Chevy's engine. I hate the city. I don't even live in a CITY city, it's just like an overgrown town. But I hated having to go into the actual city, let alone a city the whole state is known for.

Just White.

I don't have red hair or freckles, I'm not a vampire or dead or anything. But my skin...GLOWS in the dark. My skin is so white. How have satellites not picked me up because I reflect so much light I'M SO WHITE?

Last weekend we went out shooting. Well. The guys went shooting, I went 'watching' and 'sitting' and 'BURNING.' I told Tim before that I don't tan, I'm either pasty pathetic white, or I'm lobster red. There is no pretty pink, there's no golden tan. I have only two extremes. And right now, I have both. I burnt my thighs so bad it still hurts to touch them, 4 days later. I've used half a bottle of lotion on my burns. And some of the red is fading away and my skin is returning to white. My arms lost the red and are back to white. My feet are splotchy now because some of that burn is returning to white. Coolest chick ever? Me.
I'm all bone. I'm two-toned. Red as a newborn, white as a ghost.

Registered with Tricare Online

So I'm registered online now with Tricare. But I don't know how to set up a specific doctor's office. There's a page where I can go through available offices nearby, but I don't know what in the world I'm even looking at. So I need Tim to come home and do that part. Because he probably knows what he's doing better than I do. But I think when we went and signed up they said that I would be able to make appointments right here online. Which is good. Because I HATE talking on the phone. So once we get this things set up fully, I can make an appointment with a family care physician person, then they can refer me to an OB/GYN and I can get my IUD out. And then we can start working on building our family. Yes, I am terrified to introduce my son to the IDEA of a younger sibling, and I will be terrified forever. When he's older, I will hate that he has to go see his dad while the rest of my children stay with me. I hate that he will be confused and feel outcasted because he has a different father than his brothers and sisters. But I know that he will lose those siblings with his whole heart. He's an amazing little boy, he's going to be an amazing young man, and an amazing man. He's going to love those kids. And he's going to be excited about them someday.

Grey's Anatomy

I LOVE the show. I haven't kept up with it on TV at all, but a few years ago they showed 3 episodes back to back every weekday and I would watch those. They usually went in order (there were a few mix-ups but normally it was fine). At one point it switched back to the beginning and I stopped watching because I didn't want to just start over. Anyway. I stopped watching. Then I moved down here to Texas and my darling husband has Hulu. So I can watch a TV series start to finish. So, I chose Grey's Anatomy.
Anyway, I'm now on Season 6. And I'm starting to hate it. Some of it is just getting boring, lame, irritating. Some of these new actresses are horrible, I just don't like their characters. It's weird. I don't know. I'm irritated with it.

Really? Romanian?

I was just trying to find an interesting blog to read through and possibly decide to follow it. I need to find things that I can use to spice up my own blog. I need ideas and hints and whatever.
Oh, anyway, I was going through and hit like 4 blogs in a row that were Romanian. And a little thing popped at the top of my screen asking if I wanted the blog translated. Nope, I just wanna get to the next one. One that preferably is in English. Because that's the only language I speak fluently.

Hate myself today.

Tonight is the kind of night I just wanna cry. 

I made a dinner that I thought Tim would be really excited about. I used his special seasoning that he likes (and I'm super picky so I don't usually use anything except salt pepper and garlic powder) and he didn't seem like he liked it. Granted, he ate a ton. He didn't finish his chicken though, and got seconds of the rice. 

I skyped with my son after dinner. He's with his dad til September. The picture is kind of fuzzy and I couldn't really understand a whole lot because he's still young (he's only 3 and a half), but I could tell he was talking about trains and he was so animated and excited to talk to me (we talk almost every day). It made me feel great, until the end when I had to say goodbye. I hate saying bye to him. We always say that we love each other, miss each other, then we do "Biiiig Kisss!" and put both hands to our both, kiss hard, and then spread our hands our so its like letting the kiss fly away. And then I have to say goodbye. Which usually ends with a second 'I love you,' and another bye before hanging up. 

We had no ice cream so I made cookies. I used to make PERFECT chocolate chip cookies. The past 2 times I've made cookies, they've turned out flat and gooey. They're horrible. They taste fine, but they look like a toddler threw some puke into the oven and baked it for ten minutes. (Some of them turned out OK, I threw about half of them in the trash)

It all made me feel like crap. Climbing into bed...I couldn't stand myself. What kind of a mother am I to leave my three year old with his dad. How can I be thinking about having another baby with Tim when I can't even give my own son my undivided attention? I can't be there with him. I have his teddy bear that I made him at Build-A-Bear a couple years ago, with his little undershirt on him that I keep by my bed (and after Tim goes to work Teddy is my cuddle companion) and his picture next to the bed. How can I be a good mom from here?

Needless to say, I'm up now. Crying, obviously. Hating myself.

Something is deathly wrong with my baking skills.

I used to make THE PERFECT chocolate chip cookie.
Now they flatten. Every time. Well, okay, I've only tried twice. But I made perfect cookies in high school and when I lived with Shaun. Then I took a year off and now I can't make a nice round light brown cookie. It's flat. I've tried making them with all butter, and I've tried making them half butter half shortening. I don't know what to do. It's really taking a toll on my ego. Is it because of the altitude in Texas? Is it even that different from New York? Do I need to add a little extra flour? I'm so frustrated! My cookies were once perfect, beautiful cookies. Now they're pancakes. And horrible. I am NOT HAPPY.
Help.

Texas is a VERY friendly state

I'm not an ugly girl. I'm not hideous. I'm not hugely fat, I don't have scars covering my face. But I'm not an overly beautiful person. Yet when I go outside to walk the dog, I get beeped at, whistled at...And I thought that living in El Paso and being so white (I don't tan well, I'm either ghostly white, or burnt) that I would be hit on by Mexicans. As racist as that sounds (but mostly by experience from back in NY). Yet as far as I can tell, the cars that go by with the individuals who are apparently looking at me, are white. I never got hit on back in NY by white guys. Well. Except a few of the guys in high school. That was YEARS ago. Why are white guys interested in me now? I'm married.
Hahahahaha which reminds me of I spent the evening at my in-laws. We were eating dinner and Tim's uncle was next to me and he moved his leg and his foot accidentally hit mine. I jokingly said, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING I AM A MARRIED WOMAN!!" And everyone laughed. It was funny.

Baby Clothes.

Tim and I have been married since December. He's very family oriented and sometimes I think he's as upset as I am that Max isn't with us full time. He cannot wait to be a dad, and he's so excited for Max to come down and be with us. He's excited to do family things. He's also excited for me to have a baby. I currently have the Mirena, and IUD form of birth control. He's always joking about removing it himself so that we can get pregnant. Last week we went to Tricare (military health insurance) and moved me over from the "Standard" care plan over to the "Prime" care plan. However, we were told that this change in coverage doesn't become active until August 1st. Anyway, we went over to register me with the doctor's office and whatnot and they said, "OK, you're all set to start making your appointments!" ...Does that mean I'm SET SET and can actually make my appointments? Or do I still need to wait until August? Tim wants me to call and try to make an appointment for ASAP to get my IUD removed...I want to wait until August. It's not that I don't want to, I'm just very uncomfortable talking with people I don't know, and I HATE talking on the phone and I'm nervous that I'll call and they'll be like, "Oh well you're not set until August." and then I'll feel like an idiot and embarrassed. Anyway. We're excited and can't wait to have it removed so that we can start trying to conceive soon.
Yesterday we were bored and he knew that I wanted to get out of the house (I've been telling him in a very playful manner about how I hate being stuck in the house all day every day by myself only for him to come home and still wanna stay inside and play video games and whatever all night and weekend) so he asked if I wanted to go to the outlet mall. I said sure, knowing we don't have any money to spend, and he was only doing it to make me happy, but I was excited to get out and do something and for it to be just us (and all the other shoppers, but just us in a way).
We took Trans Mountain Road out to the outlet mall which runs through the mountains, it's curvy and you can see a lot of very flat, flat land on the other side of the mountains, but the mountains themselves are sort of beautiful. Not extremely because it is Texas and everything is sandy and has tumbleweeds and whatnot, but being that I've never been that close to mountains before, they had a sense of beauty and wonder about them. Needless to say, I filled my cameras memory with pictures of the hills and the view between them.
Once we got to the mall, he mentioned going into a Vans store and looking at little shoes for little tiny children. We spent the next hour and a half going through all the baby and children's stores (and some shoe stores) looking at infant and small child apparel. We made a ton of faces at each other and said a lot of, "This is so cute, can we have a baby right now?" He made the yanking motion with his hands a few times, signalling he was ready to pull my IUD out himself right then and there. During one of our conversations he even joked that when he came home from work everyday he wouldn't let me see the baby because he would be too busy cuddling and playing with her (or him). "As soon as I get home from work that baby is MINE."  We've had names picked out for a few months. We're just so excited. I've had baby fever since Max was like...2 months old. Haha. Even Tim's starting to get it. He notices every pregnant woman who walks by, everyone in a movie, all small children and babies.
Don't get me wrong, I am a little nervous. We haven't been married long, definitely haven't been living together long, we don't have a whole lot of money...Are we even ready? And what about Max? How would he handle having a younger brother or sister? He did great for awhile with the little boy I was nannying back in NY. Whenever Jordan cried, Max was right there giving him a toy or putting his binkie in his mouth. He was excited to see him everyday. And then it started seeming like he didn't like him anymore. He was getting distant with me (I think because he felt like he had to compete for my attention or that Jordan was my main priority and not himself) and was starting to act up, and he started saying that he didn't want to go to Mommy's house (from Daddy's) and I think it was because he was worried Jordan would be there and he wouldn't be the center of attention. So how would Max handle it? He's only three. Granted, by the time the baby is born, Max will be four. But with all the in-between Max is going to be doing until he's FIVE (because of the custody agreement between his father and I) is it selfish or stupid to bring a baby into the house? I'm terrified I might make the wrong decision about this. I want to give Tim a baby so badly, he's going to be a fantastic father, but I'm so nervous about how my own baby is going to do with such a big change. And what if I pick a favorite? I know so many moms are like, "I love all my children equally," but I'm terrified my brain is going to go crazy and I'm going to love Max more because he was my first or I'm going to love the new baby because his dad is my husband and not my ridiculous ex whom I'm not a huge fan of. Will I treat Max different because I won't have him all of the time? Like when he's with me, am I going to neglect the new baby because I'm going to be trying to catch up on my lost time with Max? Will I lose that connection I feel with Max and feel like maybe it won't be repaired and just...lose him completely? I'm terrified.
I've always dreamed of having a big family though (not huge, but three or four kids) and I so badly want to continue building that family. And I feel like my sitting here everyday with no children is just wasting my time. I could be growing a human being right now. Tim works all day and I...clean and watch TV. Wouldn't his hard work be better met with my taking care of children? Instead of spending all day by myself?
My mind is going insane right now. I really should probably go to bed. But lately I've been thinking way too much and can't get to sleep until super late. And of course tonight I was chatty and giggly and the poor man is trying to sleep. I'll probably go in soon and try to get to sleep. Goodnight dear fans. <3

Hubby Time =]

So last time I was whining about how I feel unnoticed. That day we had gone to Wal Mart and I'd gotten 2 books and a puzzle and a game. The next day I made him play Scrabble with me. We played two games. We had a lot of fun and it was great. And he's been helping me with my puzzle a little bit. One of the books I got is called The Book of Awesome and it's a ton of things that are awesome. It explains what makes each thing awesome (for example of the things is 'taking a bra off after a long day' and it goes to say something like you don't realize how uncomfortable you are until you get comfortable or something like that. You don't know how awful it is until you're free of it. I don't know, something like that) and there's like a hundred in the book. But I read a few of those out loud to him and we laughed and talked about each one. And it was nice. I don't need a ton of time for him to just sit with me and pay attention to me like I'm a child. But I will take the time that I get, and I will ask for the time that I need. And I will not take him, or that time, for granted.
He's an amazing man. And he loves me. And I love him. He doesn't ignore me. He just doesn't know how to...I don't know the phrasing. He's never been in a super serious relationship before like this. I've had Andrew and I've had Shaun. Unfortunately Mike even sort of counts. This is a learning process. For both of us.

I'm in Texas. For good.

So. I'm in Texas. Shaun and I came up with an agreement to give me permission to move to be with my husband, Tim, down in Texas. Shaun and I will have Max for a few months each, before handing him off to the other for a few months. Shaun has Max for the first interval thing so that I can get everything settled down here so that Max comes down to a set room and not a big mess. Which is also turning out to be a trial for me. If I can actually handle it. I get Max back the first week of September. Which is another two months. Kill me. Now. It's horrible. We talk on the phone or Skype at least once a day so I can still talk to him and see him, but it's so hard to be away from him. He's my baby. He's been my entire life for 4 years, if you count from the minute I found out I was pregnant. Which is when he became the center of my world. He saved my life. He brought me out of depression. And now I cannot hold him. I can't whisper in his ear, or fluff his hair up when he wakes up from his nap because he's got 'sweaty-head' and I can't rock him when he's tired or sad. I don't have my baby. I feel empty.

As per the agreement, Tim will get out of the army when his date thing comes up and we will move back to NY and Max will enroll in kindergarten there and we will have a NORMAL visitation schedule between Shaun and I for Max. That will be early 2013 so Max can start school Fall 2013.

But I'm doing the best I can. Tim doesn't want me to get a job, and I don't mind that at all. He wants to 'be the man' and support me and my son, as well as our future children. As of right now, I clean during the day and do whatever I'd like (watch TV, play with the bunny, play with the dog, read, do puzzles, whatever) and at some point I should make dinner. On the weekends he likes to help with dinner. When Max comes down, he will be my full responsibility. I'll still have to cook and clean like I do now, but I get all day every day to play with my baby. And on the weekends, if Tim doesn't steal him away (he can't wait for Max to come down either!) we can do family things, like go bowling, go to the movies, go to the Zoo, look for train tracks, play games...I can't wait. I just want us to be a FAMILY. A real one. Not broken and far apart. And maybe in a few months, maybe in a few years, when we have more kids, things will be easier. Things will be fun and busy. When Max is here, things will be perfect. When he's not, things will be hard, and lonely, and quiet. But I know that things will be better again and I'll get Max back soon, and that's what keeps me going.

Tim got Pliskin (Skinny) back in February. He's a Daschund/Corgi mix. He's adorable and his ears are like...the size of his head. They're huge. I love them. He's pretty good, he's a year old. He's still working on being perfectly potty trained. He prefers to go outside to pee and wander around, and then when we come back inside, two minutes later he poops on the bathroom floor. Whatever. We poop in there too. He just thinks he's human. No big deal.  A week after I got down here, I got a bunny! She's a tiny white dwarf and I'm pretty sure she's pretty young. Her name is Marcie Mabel. I chose Marcie because if she's younger than six months and is really a boy, when she matures and starts having boy parts, I can just change her name over to Marcell. She's adorable. Hates carrots. Loves celery. When Max gets down here, I want to take him to find a fish. He loves going to the store and looking at all the fish. So I want to get him one so he can look at it all the time.

Anyway. Today Tim and I went shopping. I wanted to get a book and a puzzle and we needed some groceries. While we were there, we stopped by the games (they were right next to the puzzles). I suggested we get one. He seemed like he didn't care less. I spend every day, all day, by myself. Then he comes home and we eat dinner and watch tv. I go on the computer and he plays his video games. I wanted to get a few games so that we could have some actual time together. Like real time. After we got married we went to a friends cabin for a night. We sat in front of the fire and played Monopoly. We had just US time. There was nothing else in the world. And I want that back. He comes home and we goof around a little then and before bed and the rest of the time it's like I'm still alone. I want to be with him and actually spend time WITH him. I grabbed scrabble and suggested Monopoly or Sorry or even Uno. And he just said he didn't care. And I couldn't even tell him how I felt, about wanting to be able to play games with him and interact with him because if I said it I would have started crying. I'm in a new place, with no friends. I just want someone to talk to, someone to spend time with, someone to listen to me. And I know he'll be that person, I just need to tell him. I want him to know that I appreciate him and that he's supporting me, so I want him to be able to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. But I want him to still see me. I know I'm spoiled and he gets me whatever I ask for. But all I want is him. I just want his attention. And I get it sometimes. And I know he doesn't realize he's ignoring me. And I know that if I say something, I'll just be your average whiney, nagging wife. And that's not who I want to be. I love him, and I want him to be happy. So I want him to play his games and do what he wants. Because that makes him happy. And when he's done with those things, I'll be waiting. Because to me, it will be worth it. If being a good wife means letting him do his thing until he's done, then that's fine. I'll wait.

Buh. I just want him to play with me. In a completely clean manner. Whatever. I'm done. I'll write more later. About absolutely nothing. Which is what you ALLLL want to read about. I know. You don't gotta twist my arm. I'll give you plenty of CRAP to read. =] Mmk?