Something is deathly wrong with my baking skills.

I used to make THE PERFECT chocolate chip cookie.
Now they flatten. Every time. Well, okay, I've only tried twice. But I made perfect cookies in high school and when I lived with Shaun. Then I took a year off and now I can't make a nice round light brown cookie. It's flat. I've tried making them with all butter, and I've tried making them half butter half shortening. I don't know what to do. It's really taking a toll on my ego. Is it because of the altitude in Texas? Is it even that different from New York? Do I need to add a little extra flour? I'm so frustrated! My cookies were once perfect, beautiful cookies. Now they're pancakes. And horrible. I am NOT HAPPY.
Help.

Texas is a VERY friendly state

I'm not an ugly girl. I'm not hideous. I'm not hugely fat, I don't have scars covering my face. But I'm not an overly beautiful person. Yet when I go outside to walk the dog, I get beeped at, whistled at...And I thought that living in El Paso and being so white (I don't tan well, I'm either ghostly white, or burnt) that I would be hit on by Mexicans. As racist as that sounds (but mostly by experience from back in NY). Yet as far as I can tell, the cars that go by with the individuals who are apparently looking at me, are white. I never got hit on back in NY by white guys. Well. Except a few of the guys in high school. That was YEARS ago. Why are white guys interested in me now? I'm married.
Hahahahaha which reminds me of I spent the evening at my in-laws. We were eating dinner and Tim's uncle was next to me and he moved his leg and his foot accidentally hit mine. I jokingly said, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING I AM A MARRIED WOMAN!!" And everyone laughed. It was funny.

Baby Clothes.

Tim and I have been married since December. He's very family oriented and sometimes I think he's as upset as I am that Max isn't with us full time. He cannot wait to be a dad, and he's so excited for Max to come down and be with us. He's excited to do family things. He's also excited for me to have a baby. I currently have the Mirena, and IUD form of birth control. He's always joking about removing it himself so that we can get pregnant. Last week we went to Tricare (military health insurance) and moved me over from the "Standard" care plan over to the "Prime" care plan. However, we were told that this change in coverage doesn't become active until August 1st. Anyway, we went over to register me with the doctor's office and whatnot and they said, "OK, you're all set to start making your appointments!" ...Does that mean I'm SET SET and can actually make my appointments? Or do I still need to wait until August? Tim wants me to call and try to make an appointment for ASAP to get my IUD removed...I want to wait until August. It's not that I don't want to, I'm just very uncomfortable talking with people I don't know, and I HATE talking on the phone and I'm nervous that I'll call and they'll be like, "Oh well you're not set until August." and then I'll feel like an idiot and embarrassed. Anyway. We're excited and can't wait to have it removed so that we can start trying to conceive soon.
Yesterday we were bored and he knew that I wanted to get out of the house (I've been telling him in a very playful manner about how I hate being stuck in the house all day every day by myself only for him to come home and still wanna stay inside and play video games and whatever all night and weekend) so he asked if I wanted to go to the outlet mall. I said sure, knowing we don't have any money to spend, and he was only doing it to make me happy, but I was excited to get out and do something and for it to be just us (and all the other shoppers, but just us in a way).
We took Trans Mountain Road out to the outlet mall which runs through the mountains, it's curvy and you can see a lot of very flat, flat land on the other side of the mountains, but the mountains themselves are sort of beautiful. Not extremely because it is Texas and everything is sandy and has tumbleweeds and whatnot, but being that I've never been that close to mountains before, they had a sense of beauty and wonder about them. Needless to say, I filled my cameras memory with pictures of the hills and the view between them.
Once we got to the mall, he mentioned going into a Vans store and looking at little shoes for little tiny children. We spent the next hour and a half going through all the baby and children's stores (and some shoe stores) looking at infant and small child apparel. We made a ton of faces at each other and said a lot of, "This is so cute, can we have a baby right now?" He made the yanking motion with his hands a few times, signalling he was ready to pull my IUD out himself right then and there. During one of our conversations he even joked that when he came home from work everyday he wouldn't let me see the baby because he would be too busy cuddling and playing with her (or him). "As soon as I get home from work that baby is MINE."  We've had names picked out for a few months. We're just so excited. I've had baby fever since Max was like...2 months old. Haha. Even Tim's starting to get it. He notices every pregnant woman who walks by, everyone in a movie, all small children and babies.
Don't get me wrong, I am a little nervous. We haven't been married long, definitely haven't been living together long, we don't have a whole lot of money...Are we even ready? And what about Max? How would he handle having a younger brother or sister? He did great for awhile with the little boy I was nannying back in NY. Whenever Jordan cried, Max was right there giving him a toy or putting his binkie in his mouth. He was excited to see him everyday. And then it started seeming like he didn't like him anymore. He was getting distant with me (I think because he felt like he had to compete for my attention or that Jordan was my main priority and not himself) and was starting to act up, and he started saying that he didn't want to go to Mommy's house (from Daddy's) and I think it was because he was worried Jordan would be there and he wouldn't be the center of attention. So how would Max handle it? He's only three. Granted, by the time the baby is born, Max will be four. But with all the in-between Max is going to be doing until he's FIVE (because of the custody agreement between his father and I) is it selfish or stupid to bring a baby into the house? I'm terrified I might make the wrong decision about this. I want to give Tim a baby so badly, he's going to be a fantastic father, but I'm so nervous about how my own baby is going to do with such a big change. And what if I pick a favorite? I know so many moms are like, "I love all my children equally," but I'm terrified my brain is going to go crazy and I'm going to love Max more because he was my first or I'm going to love the new baby because his dad is my husband and not my ridiculous ex whom I'm not a huge fan of. Will I treat Max different because I won't have him all of the time? Like when he's with me, am I going to neglect the new baby because I'm going to be trying to catch up on my lost time with Max? Will I lose that connection I feel with Max and feel like maybe it won't be repaired and just...lose him completely? I'm terrified.
I've always dreamed of having a big family though (not huge, but three or four kids) and I so badly want to continue building that family. And I feel like my sitting here everyday with no children is just wasting my time. I could be growing a human being right now. Tim works all day and I...clean and watch TV. Wouldn't his hard work be better met with my taking care of children? Instead of spending all day by myself?
My mind is going insane right now. I really should probably go to bed. But lately I've been thinking way too much and can't get to sleep until super late. And of course tonight I was chatty and giggly and the poor man is trying to sleep. I'll probably go in soon and try to get to sleep. Goodnight dear fans. <3

Hubby Time =]

So last time I was whining about how I feel unnoticed. That day we had gone to Wal Mart and I'd gotten 2 books and a puzzle and a game. The next day I made him play Scrabble with me. We played two games. We had a lot of fun and it was great. And he's been helping me with my puzzle a little bit. One of the books I got is called The Book of Awesome and it's a ton of things that are awesome. It explains what makes each thing awesome (for example of the things is 'taking a bra off after a long day' and it goes to say something like you don't realize how uncomfortable you are until you get comfortable or something like that. You don't know how awful it is until you're free of it. I don't know, something like that) and there's like a hundred in the book. But I read a few of those out loud to him and we laughed and talked about each one. And it was nice. I don't need a ton of time for him to just sit with me and pay attention to me like I'm a child. But I will take the time that I get, and I will ask for the time that I need. And I will not take him, or that time, for granted.
He's an amazing man. And he loves me. And I love him. He doesn't ignore me. He just doesn't know how to...I don't know the phrasing. He's never been in a super serious relationship before like this. I've had Andrew and I've had Shaun. Unfortunately Mike even sort of counts. This is a learning process. For both of us.

I'm in Texas. For good.

So. I'm in Texas. Shaun and I came up with an agreement to give me permission to move to be with my husband, Tim, down in Texas. Shaun and I will have Max for a few months each, before handing him off to the other for a few months. Shaun has Max for the first interval thing so that I can get everything settled down here so that Max comes down to a set room and not a big mess. Which is also turning out to be a trial for me. If I can actually handle it. I get Max back the first week of September. Which is another two months. Kill me. Now. It's horrible. We talk on the phone or Skype at least once a day so I can still talk to him and see him, but it's so hard to be away from him. He's my baby. He's been my entire life for 4 years, if you count from the minute I found out I was pregnant. Which is when he became the center of my world. He saved my life. He brought me out of depression. And now I cannot hold him. I can't whisper in his ear, or fluff his hair up when he wakes up from his nap because he's got 'sweaty-head' and I can't rock him when he's tired or sad. I don't have my baby. I feel empty.

As per the agreement, Tim will get out of the army when his date thing comes up and we will move back to NY and Max will enroll in kindergarten there and we will have a NORMAL visitation schedule between Shaun and I for Max. That will be early 2013 so Max can start school Fall 2013.

But I'm doing the best I can. Tim doesn't want me to get a job, and I don't mind that at all. He wants to 'be the man' and support me and my son, as well as our future children. As of right now, I clean during the day and do whatever I'd like (watch TV, play with the bunny, play with the dog, read, do puzzles, whatever) and at some point I should make dinner. On the weekends he likes to help with dinner. When Max comes down, he will be my full responsibility. I'll still have to cook and clean like I do now, but I get all day every day to play with my baby. And on the weekends, if Tim doesn't steal him away (he can't wait for Max to come down either!) we can do family things, like go bowling, go to the movies, go to the Zoo, look for train tracks, play games...I can't wait. I just want us to be a FAMILY. A real one. Not broken and far apart. And maybe in a few months, maybe in a few years, when we have more kids, things will be easier. Things will be fun and busy. When Max is here, things will be perfect. When he's not, things will be hard, and lonely, and quiet. But I know that things will be better again and I'll get Max back soon, and that's what keeps me going.

Tim got Pliskin (Skinny) back in February. He's a Daschund/Corgi mix. He's adorable and his ears are like...the size of his head. They're huge. I love them. He's pretty good, he's a year old. He's still working on being perfectly potty trained. He prefers to go outside to pee and wander around, and then when we come back inside, two minutes later he poops on the bathroom floor. Whatever. We poop in there too. He just thinks he's human. No big deal.  A week after I got down here, I got a bunny! She's a tiny white dwarf and I'm pretty sure she's pretty young. Her name is Marcie Mabel. I chose Marcie because if she's younger than six months and is really a boy, when she matures and starts having boy parts, I can just change her name over to Marcell. She's adorable. Hates carrots. Loves celery. When Max gets down here, I want to take him to find a fish. He loves going to the store and looking at all the fish. So I want to get him one so he can look at it all the time.

Anyway. Today Tim and I went shopping. I wanted to get a book and a puzzle and we needed some groceries. While we were there, we stopped by the games (they were right next to the puzzles). I suggested we get one. He seemed like he didn't care less. I spend every day, all day, by myself. Then he comes home and we eat dinner and watch tv. I go on the computer and he plays his video games. I wanted to get a few games so that we could have some actual time together. Like real time. After we got married we went to a friends cabin for a night. We sat in front of the fire and played Monopoly. We had just US time. There was nothing else in the world. And I want that back. He comes home and we goof around a little then and before bed and the rest of the time it's like I'm still alone. I want to be with him and actually spend time WITH him. I grabbed scrabble and suggested Monopoly or Sorry or even Uno. And he just said he didn't care. And I couldn't even tell him how I felt, about wanting to be able to play games with him and interact with him because if I said it I would have started crying. I'm in a new place, with no friends. I just want someone to talk to, someone to spend time with, someone to listen to me. And I know he'll be that person, I just need to tell him. I want him to know that I appreciate him and that he's supporting me, so I want him to be able to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. But I want him to still see me. I know I'm spoiled and he gets me whatever I ask for. But all I want is him. I just want his attention. And I get it sometimes. And I know he doesn't realize he's ignoring me. And I know that if I say something, I'll just be your average whiney, nagging wife. And that's not who I want to be. I love him, and I want him to be happy. So I want him to play his games and do what he wants. Because that makes him happy. And when he's done with those things, I'll be waiting. Because to me, it will be worth it. If being a good wife means letting him do his thing until he's done, then that's fine. I'll wait.

Buh. I just want him to play with me. In a completely clean manner. Whatever. I'm done. I'll write more later. About absolutely nothing. Which is what you ALLLL want to read about. I know. You don't gotta twist my arm. I'll give you plenty of CRAP to read. =] Mmk?

Andrew.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about Andy. I went to visit him the other day too...Yesterday actually. I never know what to say when I'm there. I feel stupid talking to a grave, but I feel stupid standing there in the silence. I wonder where he is now, if he's happy. If he's anywhere...Does he think of me? What does he think of me? Can you remember those you loved after death? Is he ashamed of the choices I've made since he left? How I've been living, where I am now, what's happened, how I've 'dealt' (or lack there of) with his death? Anything? I have so many questions about death, Heaven, what happens, anything. I so badly want to know if he still loves me. Is that selfish? I miss him and still love him with my whole heart. Does he feel the same? I love my son, and I love my husband. What happens when I die? Will I be there as a mother, as a wife, or as Andy's girlfriend? I just wish there was a sign so that I knew of him. So that I knew he was well. So that I knew he was still here.

Switched at Birth

I'm watching Whose Line and a preview just came up for a movie coming out called, "Switched At Birth." After 16 years, a family is told that they brought home the wrong baby from the hospital. It got me thinking-what would I do in that situation? Besides cry for days? Would I give up my child that I've been raising for 16 years to get my bio child back? Give up a child I love with my whole heart, a child I have a bond with, for a child who might not feel anything for me at all? A child I do love, because it's mine, that I may not ever have that bond with? And what about the guilt I would be feeling? How could I bring a child home and not even know that it wasn't my own? And what about the hospital? Would I sue them for making the mistake between two children? How many times had they messed up before? How many other families were being torn apart/had already been torn apart/would never know that they weren't blood related? My goodness, what in the world??? I don't even know what I would do, how I would go about figuring out what to do...